I have always been a writer. A singer, a photographer, maybe even a comedian. But I have always been a writer. I have never been the athlete of the family, I have been the troublemaker at times, I can be very sensitive, but I am also very blunt and to-the-point. I think that can be annoying to people, and I have gotten better about being able to take blunt criticism as well as I can give it out.
That is the way I am... If you are asking me to give you my honest opinion about something, I most certainly will. Sometimes I give it without being asked, which can be good or bad.
Lately one of the only areas I have felt strong in is my writing, and I haven't even been doing that much. I have hardly taken any real photos (by real I mean, photographs, not candid pictures of my friends and I, intoxicated) since my Winter '07 Intro to Photography class.
I have been feeling a bit like a loser lately and there are a few simply things to be done that will fix that, I just need to get on it! It is so hard though. Life lately has been kind of dramatic, it seemed especially so when the sun was still in Gemini (yes here we go with astrology). I sort of wondered if that had to do with it.
I also have been a bit depressed lately because I let my mind wander and think about depressing things too much, which in turn effects my mood. Then people recommend that I go chill out with mary jane and I can't quite bring myself to do that, because when you are to that point, you have a problem. Everyone must learn to cope with their problems, sober...
When I am upset about things I talk to people. I get different points of view, reassurance, and advice. It usually makes me feel better, though sometimes the task of following their advice sounds very hard. And lately, the advice that is recommended for a particular situation just makes me sad, even though I know it is the best thing to do right now.
I have even gone so far lately as to say that I just can't wait to die. Not that I am suicidal, because sad, horrible things like people committing suicide is one of the aspects of life that makes me happy that eventually, life is over. Eventually we don't have to deal with the pains of life anymore. We don't get to experience the joys, either, but depending on what you believe, maybe there is wonderful life after death, or something. When I have told people how I feel they have said, "Sounds like you're kind of depressed." And that is probably true.
I don't feel the typical characteristics of depression all apply to me, though. I can still enjoy activities that I always have. Last month really showed me, though, how messing with your hormones horribly messes with your head. I introduced more hormones to my body, it adjusted, then I took them away again, so my body had to adjust again. The taking away adjustment was not as smooth as the introduction, and unfortunately it made me sort of an emotional mess for a while, and at kind of a bad time. But despite knowing that my mentality and emotions are altered by that, I do not feel differently about the hard situation I had/have been going through. The feelings and concerns are valid despite what time of the month it is.
Right now in my life is a time where I should be pursuing positive change, and no matter how difficult that is I must go on because I have no other choice.
Yesterday I just finished reading Octavia E. Butler's novel, Parable of the Sower. I recommend it to any people out there who are comfortable with thinking about the possibilities the future holds, especially if a lot of people don't wake up and take action to help preserve our planet.
27 June 2007
24 June 2007
Brandy's photo
In my Women's Studies class Spring term one of our opportunities for points was creative presentations and one of my classmates, Brandy, brought in some photos that she had taken, and I really liked this one with the heel. I made sure to tell her so, as well as ask her a bunch of questions and give her a bunch of information about photography and all that since I'm kind of a photo geek like that. The thing about the picture is that she was inspired by a story she had read about where a woman had been raped over a sink with heels on. Each of her photos had sort of a story or meaning behind them and this one is so strong... I could imagine it at an art exhibit or something, with a small caption for people to read. Or without one, so you can interpret it as you may...
04 June 2007
emotions
emotions... or i didn't know what to call this blog and it came to mind so emotions it is. i am home from class and a day filled with a lot of thinking, lots to think about. there are many uncertainties right now, such as how much i am going to be able to see a dear friend visiting this week, how much fun we will have when we are together, how i am going to do in my classes (the ones i know i'm going to pass), how much money i will need to live through the summer, what kind of job i will do to have some summer income, what i will do with my free time during the summer when i'm not in school, when is my financial aid award going to come in the mail, will i be able to still receive financial aid anymore because i am going to fail this online class (Debbie said they have a high rate of failure!), among many, many other things.
i'm seeing my relationships with many people sort of lessen as i establish more of a close social network. which is cool, kinda, cuz i've always wanted a group to be with. but i still have so many "mental issues" or whatever that i need to work out and i feel like maybe my life is being a little dragged down by them, even if i'm not really conscious of them or their effect. does that make sense?
i think that while i am still in school i won't go crazy. as long as my mind is being challenged and i am learning new things i'll be able to maintain sanity and my mind will grow. on the other hand my mind could learn too much and it would overwhelm me and i may go crazy.
do you think about the future? i do. every day, i wonder and daydream about a possible life i could have with a husband and kid(s). i wonder if i should bring another generation into the world. i wonder if i'll ever get married or find someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me! it's human nature i guess. i feel as though i'm at an age where we are soooo weird. so much going on inside our heads, new responsibilities and lots to learn. (ugh, some people have a lot more learning about how to recognize and take care of their responsibilities. i don't like naming names and it's probably more than one person i know... *which leads to a tangent thought, writing blogs on the net forces me to sort of censor what i say so that it is both easily readable and does not reveal too many specifics. i mean if there's somethin you wanna ask me, send an email to me at alittlestoopid@gmail.com. anyway the point is i think it makes my writing skills a little better, and more essay-like. which i need to practice for, a lot! -that was not a good essay sentence. that would be a fragment, boys and girls. ) at the same time as all the responsibilities and such get piled on, freedom is achieved in turning 21. i can go *almost* anywhere now and not be denied entry due to a minor status. (yay!)
i guess one of my big mental issues is symbiotic with my physical one, my weight. i don't think about it allllll the time because when i do i just start to feel bad. but i'm not one of those, gets-out-the-icecream-when-they-have-a-breakdown kind of people. i usually don't think about it when i'm anywhere near food, which has made me wonder if i should try eating in front of a mirror and see how i like that. but then i feel like behavior like that is totally weird and obsessive compulsive or something. i just neeeed to get really active!
a couple of other things on my mind regarding myself and my image is how much i think about other people's perception of me. i don't, but i do. and i've been molded already to thinking that i should look a certain way, and i don't know how to make myself look different than the "norm" and still feel beautiful... i also have felt this weirdness about being this "white girl" in our society. not only in the interactions that i have with black men, which i'm not wrong to say have always had a certain dynamic with white females, and the spark between the two has been around for years and years now. Jack Johnson (the boxer not the singer) once said, "We eat cold eel and think distant thoughts," in regards to why white women are so drawn to black men. I love that quote, because I think he just spit somethin' out to sound cool, and it is a good quote. I dunno about the eating cold eel, but "think distant thoughts" is great. Sort of poetic?
My interaction with a tall black man who likes feet and had very large hands today was having me thinking about all that business, as well as when I went to women's studies i had my mind kinda elsewhere through most of the class. we went to this theater performance where the audience was actually asked to call out "STOP!" when they wanted to jump into a scene and replace a character to make the situation turn more positive. Improv for the audience. A couple people did pretty good, and the whole thing got me thinking about how discussing the question of someone's sexual orientation is not really respecting that person, and if you really think that they show signs of being homosexual or something then the best thing to do is express somehow that you would love them no matter what so they may feel comfortable if and when they decide to come out. one member of the audience tonight said he was finally asked by this girl, when he was in college i think, and he was so relieved someone finally asked, because no one ever had. it was like an opportunity to just confess. i would be too nervous to just ask someone, unless i had started to date them and would maybe have to gently ask if that's the reason he's bad in bed...?
well the theater performance was pretty interesting. that's mostly when i was paying attention. i guess i did listen throughout the class. i don't think i've heard the word or read the word lesbian so many times!! wow. but i learned a lot, and even questioned how straight i am. not that i think i am lesbian, but this term i learned, "compulsory heterosexuality" has made me wonder if i have just been cultured to feel straight or if somewhere in me is a desire to be lesbian? i mean i cannot predict the future so who knows what destiny brings but at this point, i am not emotionally and sexually attracted to women, i think that's what the article in my textbook says. i can appreciate that someone has a beautiful body but i don't feel that pull towards them. does that make sense? this other guy in the audience tonight said it was really hard to get his family to understand that he was gay and he was like, "i basically almost had to yell I LOVE THE COCK!" haha the host lady was a little taken back by that. she said "did you really say that?!" lol.
so women's studies is definitely a thought-provoking class, and i recommend every woman take it because if you're not aware of what the deal is, you should be... it's interesting how i have noticed that people in my life are naive to some things, and i don't think my thinking has changed since i've taken the class but it has just made me notice the naivety of others. and i don't know what to do for these people, many of them women. how to get them to recognize when something is fucked up. at least my best friend has good perception with that shit!
so in case i forgot to mention it, there are a lot of annoying people that need to grow up.
okay okay, i've said too much.
right now~"tommy gun" the clash
i'm seeing my relationships with many people sort of lessen as i establish more of a close social network. which is cool, kinda, cuz i've always wanted a group to be with. but i still have so many "mental issues" or whatever that i need to work out and i feel like maybe my life is being a little dragged down by them, even if i'm not really conscious of them or their effect. does that make sense?
i think that while i am still in school i won't go crazy. as long as my mind is being challenged and i am learning new things i'll be able to maintain sanity and my mind will grow. on the other hand my mind could learn too much and it would overwhelm me and i may go crazy.
do you think about the future? i do. every day, i wonder and daydream about a possible life i could have with a husband and kid(s). i wonder if i should bring another generation into the world. i wonder if i'll ever get married or find someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me! it's human nature i guess. i feel as though i'm at an age where we are soooo weird. so much going on inside our heads, new responsibilities and lots to learn. (ugh, some people have a lot more learning about how to recognize and take care of their responsibilities. i don't like naming names and it's probably more than one person i know... *which leads to a tangent thought, writing blogs on the net forces me to sort of censor what i say so that it is both easily readable and does not reveal too many specifics. i mean if there's somethin you wanna ask me, send an email to me at alittlestoopid@gmail.com. anyway the point is i think it makes my writing skills a little better, and more essay-like. which i need to practice for, a lot! -that was not a good essay sentence. that would be a fragment, boys and girls. ) at the same time as all the responsibilities and such get piled on, freedom is achieved in turning 21. i can go *almost* anywhere now and not be denied entry due to a minor status. (yay!)
i guess one of my big mental issues is symbiotic with my physical one, my weight. i don't think about it allllll the time because when i do i just start to feel bad. but i'm not one of those, gets-out-the-icecream-when-they-have-a-breakdown kind of people. i usually don't think about it when i'm anywhere near food, which has made me wonder if i should try eating in front of a mirror and see how i like that. but then i feel like behavior like that is totally weird and obsessive compulsive or something. i just neeeed to get really active!
a couple of other things on my mind regarding myself and my image is how much i think about other people's perception of me. i don't, but i do. and i've been molded already to thinking that i should look a certain way, and i don't know how to make myself look different than the "norm" and still feel beautiful... i also have felt this weirdness about being this "white girl" in our society. not only in the interactions that i have with black men, which i'm not wrong to say have always had a certain dynamic with white females, and the spark between the two has been around for years and years now. Jack Johnson (the boxer not the singer) once said, "We eat cold eel and think distant thoughts," in regards to why white women are so drawn to black men. I love that quote, because I think he just spit somethin' out to sound cool, and it is a good quote. I dunno about the eating cold eel, but "think distant thoughts" is great. Sort of poetic?
My interaction with a tall black man who likes feet and had very large hands today was having me thinking about all that business, as well as when I went to women's studies i had my mind kinda elsewhere through most of the class. we went to this theater performance where the audience was actually asked to call out "STOP!" when they wanted to jump into a scene and replace a character to make the situation turn more positive. Improv for the audience. A couple people did pretty good, and the whole thing got me thinking about how discussing the question of someone's sexual orientation is not really respecting that person, and if you really think that they show signs of being homosexual or something then the best thing to do is express somehow that you would love them no matter what so they may feel comfortable if and when they decide to come out. one member of the audience tonight said he was finally asked by this girl, when he was in college i think, and he was so relieved someone finally asked, because no one ever had. it was like an opportunity to just confess. i would be too nervous to just ask someone, unless i had started to date them and would maybe have to gently ask if that's the reason he's bad in bed...?
well the theater performance was pretty interesting. that's mostly when i was paying attention. i guess i did listen throughout the class. i don't think i've heard the word or read the word lesbian so many times!! wow. but i learned a lot, and even questioned how straight i am. not that i think i am lesbian, but this term i learned, "compulsory heterosexuality" has made me wonder if i have just been cultured to feel straight or if somewhere in me is a desire to be lesbian? i mean i cannot predict the future so who knows what destiny brings but at this point, i am not emotionally and sexually attracted to women, i think that's what the article in my textbook says. i can appreciate that someone has a beautiful body but i don't feel that pull towards them. does that make sense? this other guy in the audience tonight said it was really hard to get his family to understand that he was gay and he was like, "i basically almost had to yell I LOVE THE COCK!" haha the host lady was a little taken back by that. she said "did you really say that?!" lol.
so women's studies is definitely a thought-provoking class, and i recommend every woman take it because if you're not aware of what the deal is, you should be... it's interesting how i have noticed that people in my life are naive to some things, and i don't think my thinking has changed since i've taken the class but it has just made me notice the naivety of others. and i don't know what to do for these people, many of them women. how to get them to recognize when something is fucked up. at least my best friend has good perception with that shit!
so in case i forgot to mention it, there are a lot of annoying people that need to grow up.
okay okay, i've said too much.
right now~"tommy gun" the clash
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