Myself

I have always been a writer. A singer, a photographer, maybe even a comedian. But I have always been a writer. I have never been the athlete of the family, I have been the troublemaker at times, I can be very sensitive, but I am also very blunt and to-the-point. I think that can be annoying to people, and I have gotten better about being able to take blunt criticism as well as I can give it out.

That is the way I am... If you are asking me to give you my honest opinion about something, I most certainly will. Sometimes I give it without being asked, which can be good or bad.

Lately one of the only areas I have felt strong in is my writing, and I haven't even been doing that much. I have hardly taken any real photos (by real I mean, photographs, not candid pictures of my friends and I, intoxicated) since my Winter '07 Intro to Photography class.

I have been feeling a bit like a loser lately and there are a few simply things to be done that will fix that, I just need to get on it! It is so hard though. Life lately has been kind of dramatic, it seemed especially so when the sun was still in Gemini (yes here we go with astrology). I sort of wondered if that had to do with it.

I also have been a bit depressed lately because I let my mind wander and think about depressing things too much, which in turn effects my mood. Then people recommend that I go chill out with mary jane and I can't quite bring myself to do that, because when you are to that point, you have a problem. Everyone must learn to cope with their problems, sober...

When I am upset about things I talk to people. I get different points of view, reassurance, and advice. It usually makes me feel better, though sometimes the task of following their advice sounds very hard. And lately, the advice that is recommended for a particular situation just makes me sad, even though I know it is the best thing to do right now.

I have even gone so far lately as to say that I just can't wait to die. Not that I am suicidal, because sad, horrible things like people committing suicide is one of the aspects of life that makes me happy that eventually, life is over. Eventually we don't have to deal with the pains of life anymore. We don't get to experience the joys, either, but depending on what you believe, maybe there is wonderful life after death, or something. When I have told people how I feel they have said, "Sounds like you're kind of depressed." And that is probably true.

I don't feel the typical characteristics of depression all apply to me, though. I can still enjoy activities that I always have. Last month really showed me, though, how messing with your hormones horribly messes with your head. I introduced more hormones to my body, it adjusted, then I took them away again, so my body had to adjust again. The taking away adjustment was not as smooth as the introduction, and unfortunately it made me sort of an emotional mess for a while, and at kind of a bad time. But despite knowing that my mentality and emotions are altered by that, I do not feel differently about the hard situation I had/have been going through. The feelings and concerns are valid despite what time of the month it is.

Right now in my life is a time where I should be pursuing positive change, and no matter how difficult that is I must go on because I have no other choice.

Yesterday I just finished reading Octavia E. Butler's novel, Parable of the Sower. I recommend it to any people out there who are comfortable with thinking about the possibilities the future holds, especially if a lot of people don't wake up and take action to help preserve our planet.