emotions

emotions... or i didn't know what to call this blog and it came to mind so emotions it is. i am home from class and a day filled with a lot of thinking, lots to think about. there are many uncertainties right now, such as how much i am going to be able to see a dear friend visiting this week, how much fun we will have when we are together, how i am going to do in my classes (the ones i know i'm going to pass), how much money i will need to live through the summer, what kind of job i will do to have some summer income, what i will do with my free time during the summer when i'm not in school, when is my financial aid award going to come in the mail, will i be able to still receive financial aid anymore because i am going to fail this online class (Debbie said they have a high rate of failure!), among many, many other things.

i'm seeing my relationships with many people sort of lessen as i establish more of a close social network. which is cool, kinda, cuz i've always wanted a group to be with. but i still have so many "mental issues" or whatever that i need to work out and i feel like maybe my life is being a little dragged down by them, even if i'm not really conscious of them or their effect. does that make sense?

i think that while i am still in school i won't go crazy. as long as my mind is being challenged and i am learning new things i'll be able to maintain sanity and my mind will grow. on the other hand my mind could learn too much and it would overwhelm me and i may go crazy.

do you think about the future? i do. every day, i wonder and daydream about a possible life i could have with a husband and kid(s). i wonder if i should bring another generation into the world. i wonder if i'll ever get married or find someone who truly loves me and wants to be with me! it's human nature i guess. i feel as though i'm at an age where we are soooo weird. so much going on inside our heads, new responsibilities and lots to learn. (ugh, some people have a lot more learning about how to recognize and take care of their responsibilities. i don't like naming names and it's probably more than one person i know... *which leads to a tangent thought, writing blogs on the net forces me to sort of censor what i say so that it is both easily readable and does not reveal too many specifics. i mean if there's somethin you wanna ask me, send an email to me at alittlestoopid@gmail.com. anyway the point is i think it makes my writing skills a little better, and more essay-like. which i need to practice for, a lot! -that was not a good essay sentence. that would be a fragment, boys and girls. ) at the same time as all the responsibilities and such get piled on, freedom is achieved in turning 21. i can go *almost* anywhere now and not be denied entry due to a minor status. (yay!)

i guess one of my big mental issues is symbiotic with my physical one, my weight. i don't think about it allllll the time because when i do i just start to feel bad. but i'm not one of those, gets-out-the-icecream-when-they-have-a-breakdown kind of people. i usually don't think about it when i'm anywhere near food, which has made me wonder if i should try eating in front of a mirror and see how i like that. but then i feel like behavior like that is totally weird and obsessive compulsive or something. i just neeeed to get really active!

a couple of other things on my mind regarding myself and my image is how much i think about other people's perception of me. i don't, but i do. and i've been molded already to thinking that i should look a certain way, and i don't know how to make myself look different than the "norm" and still feel beautiful... i also have felt this weirdness about being this "white girl" in our society. not only in the interactions that i have with black men, which i'm not wrong to say have always had a certain dynamic with white females, and the spark between the two has been around for years and years now. Jack Johnson (the boxer not the singer) once said, "We eat cold eel and think distant thoughts," in regards to why white women are so drawn to black men. I love that quote, because I think he just spit somethin' out to sound cool, and it is a good quote. I dunno about the eating cold eel, but "think distant thoughts" is great. Sort of poetic?

My interaction with a tall black man who likes feet and had very large hands today was having me thinking about all that business, as well as when I went to women's studies i had my mind kinda elsewhere through most of the class. we went to this theater performance where the audience was actually asked to call out "STOP!" when they wanted to jump into a scene and replace a character to make the situation turn more positive. Improv for the audience. A couple people did pretty good, and the whole thing got me thinking about how discussing the question of someone's sexual orientation is not really respecting that person, and if you really think that they show signs of being homosexual or something then the best thing to do is express somehow that you would love them no matter what so they may feel comfortable if and when they decide to come out. one member of the audience tonight said he was finally asked by this girl, when he was in college i think, and he was so relieved someone finally asked, because no one ever had. it was like an opportunity to just confess. i would be too nervous to just ask someone, unless i had started to date them and would maybe have to gently ask if that's the reason he's bad in bed...?

well the theater performance was pretty interesting. that's mostly when i was paying attention. i guess i did listen throughout the class. i don't think i've heard the word or read the word lesbian so many times!! wow. but i learned a lot, and even questioned how straight i am. not that i think i am lesbian, but this term i learned, "compulsory heterosexuality" has made me wonder if i have just been cultured to feel straight or if somewhere in me is a desire to be lesbian? i mean i cannot predict the future so who knows what destiny brings but at this point, i am not emotionally and sexually attracted to women, i think that's what the article in my textbook says. i can appreciate that someone has a beautiful body but i don't feel that pull towards them. does that make sense? this other guy in the audience tonight said it was really hard to get his family to understand that he was gay and he was like, "i basically almost had to yell I LOVE THE COCK!" haha the host lady was a little taken back by that. she said "did you really say that?!" lol.

so women's studies is definitely a thought-provoking class, and i recommend every woman take it because if you're not aware of what the deal is, you should be... it's interesting how i have noticed that people in my life are naive to some things, and i don't think my thinking has changed since i've taken the class but it has just made me notice the naivety of others. and i don't know what to do for these people, many of them women. how to get them to recognize when something is fucked up. at least my best friend has good perception with that shit!

so in case i forgot to mention it, there are a lot of annoying people that need to grow up.

okay okay, i've said too much.

right now~"tommy gun" the clash